[

mood

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tired

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So it's been an interesting week.  I've started seeing somebody!  Yay!  He's a really sweet man, he's smart, he's fun to be around, and I really like him.  I'm not certain how much more I'm ready to say about him yet - I want to see where this is going before I make it completely public.  I find myself hoping that it does go somewhere, though!  I really enjoy his company, he makes me laugh, he treats me like a lady, and he makes me feel special.  I may be developing a bit of a tendre for him already, but that's okay.  I knew him for a little while before we started dating, albeit casually, and I had a bit of a crush on him from the beginning.  I was surprised that he actually called to ask me out, but I'm glad he did!  I'll keep y'all posted! :)

Joey, I'm sorry if you're angry with me, and I'm sorry you decided not to come down to hang out this weekend, as planned.  I suppose I'll talk to you when you're ready to talk to me, and hopefully see you when you're back in town next...whenever that is.

On a lower note, I've been suffering the effects of a particularly nasty sinus infection for the last several days, but managed to last the rest of the week at work, mostly because we've been training another person on the new instrument in our lab.  I didn't call off these last couple of days because I know we need as many people as possible trained on this beast.  Monday and Tuesday of this coming week are a different story.  I'm on that instrument on Monday, and I'm already trained.  Ricky (I think) is on it on Tuesday, and he's already trained.  Since there's no new training going on, I refuse to feel guilty for taking a sick day if I still feel like this on Monday morning.  Or Sunday night.  I still have to volunteer at the Health Fair downtown on Sunday morning, but tonight, I got dizzy and slightly lightheaded after using the microscope for a while, and I have a horrible headache.  I've come to the conclusion that the OTC sinus meds just don't do enough, and that I may have to go talk to an ENT specialist about that sinus surgery.  According to my coworker Dora, her son had it, and it worked so well for him!  What would I give to be able to breathe when the seasons change?  It might depend on how much of a surgery cost my insurance would cover.  Anyway, I feel worn out, achy, my head hurts A LOT, and my cat is whining that it's time to feed a'kitty.  So I think it's time to do that and go to sleep.  Maybe sleep will help?

[	mood	|	happy	]
[	music	|	Spoken For - Mercy Me	]

Right, so it's been a while...  What can I say?  I've been pretty busy.  Rather than chronicle the events of the nearly two months since I last updated, I think I'll tap the highlights.  After summer quarter classes ended, I took full advantage of having a month of free mornings by staying up late and sleeping in.  Despite working every weekend in September except for one, I got to spend a good amount of time with my family and my friends - I even spent the weekend I wasn't working with Kelly on her family's boat at Lake Erie!

Fall quarter began this past Wednesday, and I'm not displeased with my class choices.  My Hebrew 101 professor is this adorable little Jewish woman with such a high energy level!  My Hebrew Literature professor is this little Jewish man who does a little dance around the classroom when he really gets into his lecture.  They both amuse me.  I think it will be a decent quarter.  Besides that, there is a bonus to having Jewish professors - my Lit professor has given us an additional two Thursdays off from class to observe Jewish holidays!

On a very positive note, I had a really nice discussion with my boss, Mindy, the other day.  She talked to me a bit about the direction the lab will be taking over the next couple of years, and hinted at the role she wanted me to take in it.  There were two things that she mentioned that will be happening now, or soon, rather than in a couple of years.

• Mindy wants something like two techs per shift to learn our new blood cell differential machine and then teach the rest of the techs on the shift to use it.  She asked if I'd be interested in doing that, and of course, I said yes.  Her comments after that suggested that my involvement in this would give her an idea of my ability to handle projects of this sort in the future.  She also told me that she had a list of eight people who were leaving or retiring in the next three years, and that opportunities for more responsibility would be available to those who proved themselves capable of  handling it.


• Mindy called me early Thursday morning to ask if I'd be interested in representing the entire clinical laboratory system in the brand-new University Hospital Making a Difference Service Council Initiative.  Judy Gilliam, the associate executive director of the Medical Center, is heading it up in an effort to provide better customer service and overcome the barriers preventing it.  She apologized for calling so early, but she said she had just had breakfast with Kevin, the director of the clinical labs, and when they discussed it, they had both thought I would be good for this position, and she was excited to tell me because she knew I'd want to do it.  She was so certain that she'd submitted my name before she even called me!  When she told me that, I laughed and told her that she knew me pretty well.  I'll go to one meeting a month, paid overtime, and maybe actually make a difference, however small.  This is so exciting!

Anyway, things are pretty good for me right now.  I don't feel overwhelmed, I feel appreciated at work, and I love that my textbook for my Hebrew literature class is another Bible.  Corey asked how many I was going to have to buy before I finally got out of school, and I laughed.  I told him that I might end up with more Bibles than my Daddy has - and those of you who know or have listened to me talk about my Dad, you know that he has quite a few!  Even though my classes take a literary approach to the Bible rather than a religious approach, I like that I get to read passages as "homework" and I like the in-class discussions.

I would say that I am content with my life.  It is what it is, but it's mine.  I've made it for myself.  And I like it.

Barukh ata.

First of all, the long, long string of posts in response to me supposedly being mean to Jesse has been quite enlightening, so, to all of Jesse's friends who have defended his dubious honor, I say again that he is quite lucky to have you.  However, I maintain that I have said nothing untrue, and I am really sorry that Theresa hates me so much (for nothing that I did, actually, but for the simple fact that Jesse preferred me to her until he realized that he wanted to be with somebody who wanted less of him than I did and didn't mind his dishonesty, and it's very sad that she's okay with that.).  I wish that she'd open her eyes and see him for what he really is and seriously consider what he's done to her over the years.  Sadly, it seems that she thinks so little of herself that she's willing to subject herself to it over and over again.  I know that those of you who are Jesse's friends consider yourselves Theresa's friends, too.  If you truly are Theresa's friends, you might try to bolster her self-esteem by helping her realize that she deserves more than Jesse seems to be willing to give her.  How could you let a person who you consider a friend commit herself to a relationship, regardless of the duration of the present segment, to a person who you know is just going to step on their heart again and again?  Maybe it's just that Jesse has emotionally beaten Theresa down so many times that she believes that he's the best that she can do and all that she's worthy of, and you know that's not the truth.  Do her a favor - if she's as good a person as you have told me that she is, then be a true friend to her and tell her that she doesn't deserve the emotional destruction that Jesse puts her through every time he eels his way back into her life.  But enough about that.  If Theresa doesn't see what Jesse is, then she's a foolish little girl, and besides, Jesse irritates me.

By the way, Jim, if you read this - congratulations on authorizing for combat!  I'm sure Pennsic will be much more fun now that you get to beat on people. :)

Work has been going pretty well lately.  Mindy has given me a few more fun computer projects to work on, and I love doing them for her.  And I got another star today, bringing my total to five now!  I feel like I'm back in kindergarten - do something good, and you get a star!  It doesn't matter, it's nice to feel appreciated for working your ass off.  As a favor to Mindy, I've picked up a couple of extra shifts here and there, and I'm staying until 3am tomorrow night, since there's a hole on third shift.  Joy of joys.  Ah well.  In my case, the end will definitely justify the means.  EGD (Estimated Graduation Date): Spring or Summer 2006.  It'll be a little while, but I can only take two classes a quarter.  It is irritating to know that I'd be done in half the time if I could go full-time, even one more class a quarter would help me along my way.  But I couldn't do it while working full-time, and if I don't do that, I don't get the free tuition....*sigh*  You can't win 'em all, I guess.  Bright side - around the same time I graduate, I can finally buy season football tickets!  I think I might try to buy some off of people in the lab who are selling a game or two this season.  I went to one last year with a friend, and I had a lot of fun.  Sadly, you have to work three years at OSU before you can buy season tickets as an employee, so one down!  Two to go!

O-H! I-O!   

Bet some of you never thought you'd hear me say that, did you?  Miss Lish, the Buckeye.  What has the world come to?  :)  It's easier to switch loyalties when you both attend and are employed by Ohio State.  Besides, I've always looked magnificent in scarlet. :)

Damn, I guess I've been busy.  You don't really realize how quickly time goes by while you're riding the current.  I've been rather busy with work and my classes.  Work's been going pretty well.  I've been enjoying this last month, despite the fact that Sandy's been on third shift this week.  School is going well, too.  I'm really enjoying my Bible class.  It's taught by this adorable little old woman who was raised Dutch Conservative Calvinist, so we get a really interesting perspective.  Plus, she's so cute!  She wears teva sandals with pantyhose and ties her white hair up into a knot on the very top of her head.  She also seems to get a real kick out of the "sexy" parts of the Bible.  When she comes to one, she goes off on a bit of a tangent and starts giggling like a teenager.

I had a bit of a disappointment today, although I can't say I wasn't expecting it.  Jesse finally decided that he shouldn't talk to me anymore, since I apparently don't understand his personal boundaries.  This is difficult to do, since they change about every fifteen minutes.  I wasn't as hurt or angry as I thought I would be, mostly just irritated by his narrow-mindedness and disappointed in him for finally proving to me that he is not, in fact, the man I thought he was, but merely just another boy.  I suppose that he probably feels that this is the best choice for him, since he can't be honest with Theresa about talking to me or hanging out with me.  He says he doesn't tell her because he doesn't want to start a fight, since, according to him, even the thought of me is very threatening to her.  I understand that, because if I were Theresa, I might easily feel threatened by a woman like me: a beautiful woman who is confident, successful, intelligent, and cultured, with drive, ambition, a good job, a useful college education, and personal goals that don't include mooching off of a man for the rest of my life.

On to more important things - I got a bathing suit today!  Very exciting for me, since I haven't bought one in a long time.  I didn't hit a pool once last summer, despite the fact that my parents have a hot tub, and I lived right next to Heritage's swimming pool.  I might try to go to the pool here at Arbors, but we'll see.  But the things that make the swimsuit even better are 1) It was free! 2) It looks amazing on me!  My mom even loved it!  Some of you may think that it's a little silly that the thing that made the biggest impression on me today was finding the perfect swimsuit, and to you, I say, "Just wait until you see it on me!"

Since I've been insanely busy these last couple of weeks, I haven't been posting like I'd have liked to.  So let me catch you all up on the state of things in Lishy Land:

I moved out of my first apartment, and into a better, larger one with my friend Candice, and her boyfriend, also my friend, Corey.  We're all moved in now, it's a very nice place, and we're having a housewarming party this Saturday at 4 pm.  Everyone's invited, BYOB, snacks provided.  Call me or email me for directions if you'd like to come.

Work has had its ups and downs lately, but it's okay overall.  While attempting to fill water cubes for one of our instruments, I managed to flood the lab twice in the span of one week.  Yeah, yeah.  I know.  Only me.

My friend, Meghan, got married last weekend.  The wedding was lovely, and a lot of fun.  It's always cool to hang out with people you work with outside of your work environment.  I had a really good time.  I actually think that I had a better time than I might have if Jesse hadn't decided not to go the day before, but I don't know.  I think I was able to relax and cut loose a little more than I would have if he'd been there, but I'll never really know.

I've gotten to see a lot of people I haven't seen in a while.  I saw Philip last weekend after the wedding, which was nice since I hadn't seen him since before I started seeing Jesse.  We started talking and ended up watching the sun rise, just like old times.  Then, on Sunday, I went to a graduation party for a really old friend of mine, Bryan, who used to live on my street when we were in elementary school.  I hadn't seen him in, like, two years.  It was nice to catch up with him, too, and since he thinks he'll probably be staying in the Columbus area, hopefully it won't be another two years before I see him again.  Then, on Wednesday, Joey came into town from Wisconsin!  I get to see him about every six months, since he comes to Columbus for a week or so during the summer and then again around Christmas.  We went out to BW3's and then he came to see my apartment and we hung out for a while talking.  I've missed doing that face to face.  It's more comfortable than the phone or IM, but when he's in Wisconsin and I'm here, we'll take what we can get.  It's nice seeing him, though.  He gives very nice hugs.  Then I had lunch with Jesse on Thursday before I went to work.  I think we had a pretty nice time.  And I'm seeing Natalka and Justin on Tuesday, since they're moving to Georgia on Wednesday!  Where does the time go?

This week, classes are starting.  I know I'm going to like one of them - I'm taking The English Bible.  Also Western Civilization 17th century to present, which I'm not so certain of.  But we'll see.  I think they'll both be pretty good.  I'm working this week, of course, and I'm supposed to be off on Wednesday, but I'm going to see if I can switch my day off to Thursday.  Philip has an extra ticket to the Dave Matthews' Band concert at Germain for the Thursday night show, and I'd like to go.  I like Dave, I'm not his biggest fan ever, but I do like his music.  Also, I've never been to a show at Germain, and it will be nice to hang out with Phil, too.

*sigh*

I think that about sums everything up.  I should be set for a while. 

I leave you now, with these parting words from Jason Mraz:

"What do you do when God moves through you?  What do you do?  Say I do."

So I'm getting rather weary of the negative feedback about my friendship with Jesse.  We're friends.  I do enjoy his company, and it's been nice seeing him lately, and I'd like to think he feels the same way.  He hasn't alluded to wanting anything more.  So, judging by that alone, I don't think I'm in imminent danger of being hurt again.  So while everybody's concern is very touching, I think that things are going to be okay.

Today, Candice, Corey, and I went to see the apartment we will be moving into next weekend.  One more week!  So exciting!  But, on the downside, the apartment was a complete mess.  They hadn't started cleaning it yet.  All that they had done so far was resurface the countertops and replace the carpet.  I'd hate to have seen the carpet before then.  The people who had just vacated had lived there for the last nine years, and seemed to have been pretty hard on the place, so there was a lot wrong with it.  We covered an entire notebook page, front and back, with the things that we felt needed repaired or replaced.  We had the rental girl, who was not our consultant, photocopy it and promise to give the copy to the people doing the refurbishing.  Hopefully, everything will be fixed before we pick up our keys on Friday.  Corey and I are going to check it out on Thursday and make sure that all of the things that we felt needed attention had been taken care of.  If they haven't, then we'll ask them to make appointments with us during that first week we're there to fix them.  I don't think we're overly picky, we just don't want to move into an apartment that has things wrong with it.  It was really disappointing for us - Quinn, our rental consultant, had told us she'd mark our move-in date as today so that all of the cleaning would be done and we could see it as it would be when we moved in.  She didn't seem to have done that, as they'd just begun the repairs at the end of this last week.  So...we'll just have to be hard-asses and make sure that everything is taken care of.  It will be okay.  It's just a bit of a come-down, since we were so excited about everything.  It put us all in a bit of a bad mood this evening.

Tomorrow, we're breaking ground on our new sanctuary and parking areas at my church.  It's going to be a big to-do, if the last groundbreaking ceremony and festivities, for our education wing a few years back, are anything to go on.  So that's exciting.  And Jesse had asked me to go to dinner with him in the evening when he gets back from visiting his friend, Matt, in West Virginia.  So tomorrow should be a nice day.  I hope tomorrow is a nice day.

I went to a retreat that my Dad was sponsoring at my church this morning, led by two amazing Benedictine nuns.  It was grounded in a book called Scarred by Struggle, Transformed by Hope, by Joan Chittister, another of the Benedictine sisters.  Her belief is that struggle is a process, not an event.  It includes eight "phantoms of the soul"; Change, Isolation, Darkness, Fear, Powerlessness, Vulnerability, Exhaustion, and Scarring.  But with each of these struggles comes a gift - with Change comes Conversion; with Isolation, Independence; with Darkness, Faith; with Fear, Courage; with Powerlessness, Surrender; with Vulnerability, Limitations; with Exhaustion, Endurance; and with Scarring, Transformation.  I think that my own self-awareness was heightened, and I also had an interesting perspective, being the youngest attendee.  I was talking to a couple of people during a "shared wisdom", or conversation, break, and the topic turned to a question - How can anyone be strong enough in spirit to reach out to anybody else?  Is it offering support or a shared weakness?  I surprised myself by actually having a coherent answer to that question.  I said, "When a tree falls down, and you want to save it, you prop it up, right?  When we reach out to other people, we're acting as a prop to their tree."  I was then asked whether the prop had to be stronger than the tree.  I said, "No, the prop doesn't have to be stronger, and in a lot of cases, it isn't.  All that it has to do is give the tree something to lean on, just a little support."  I was surprised, and extremely touched, when the person I was talking to thanked me for my insight.  I felt that I was there looking for answers.  I didn't think I had them.

A couple of things that I heard today really stood out to me: 

• Life requires the most from us when we expect it the least.
• Embrace the resistance
• God will not abandon us
• Seeing the God in others requires an audacity we don't know we have
• Struggle is not synonymous with weakness
• "Give light, and the darkness will disappear of itself" -Erasmus
• God is enough - If I work with His Grace, I will find my strength.

That last one especially.  God is enough.  If I work with His Grace, I will find my strength.

God is enough.  I will work with His Grace.  I will find my strength.

So TIRED!  Starting this week in the lab, we're tearing up our Chemistry line, putting two new machines on, and putting it all back together again.  It's going to be madness for at least a couple of weeks.  Hopefully, we can hold it all together and nobody will get their heads torn off.  I also got my finger stuck in the automation tonight.  That hurt a lot.  I was not happy.  Stupid automation.

On the bright side, my vacation was approved.  I'm taking the four weekdays after Memorial Day off so that I can move my stuff from this place to my new apartment, and find some time to relax and enjoy the new place as well.  It will be nice.

I had a nice long talk with Jesse yesterday.  I think I gave him a lot to think about, and he seemed to agree with the majority of what I said.  I'm pretty sure I was right about almost everything, but we'll see.  Tonight, though, I heard something that dissented with some of the things that Jesse said to me yesterday.  So I'm going to have to ask him about that tomorrow, because it's troubling me.  Apparently, I'm going to hear further detail about it tomorrow from my friend.  So we'll see how that turns out.  At this point, I believe that what Jesse told me is true.  I really hope that what Jesse told me is true.  But I still want to hear what my friend has to say about it, if only to clarify what's going on.

So I learned a little something about the LX Chemistry Analyzer tonight - it's possessed by the Devil!  And it's agent is Albumin!  Needless to say, this was not a good night in the Critical Care Lab.  I lived to tell the tale, however, which is more than I dreamed I'd be able to do at the time.

I'm very happy to announce that my American Identity in the World TA is not holding classes until May 27!  So it's good on principle because that means I don't have to be up for a 9:30am class every Tuesday and Thursday, but it's even better because this is the class that I hate!  All I have to do is write a research paper, and I'm finished with that class! 

The paper, incidentally, is inspired by my politically-incorrect muse and one of my soon-to-be roommates, Corey Casto.  I was grousing about having to write it, and complaining that I had no idea what to write it on, because the only things this TA has talked about all quarter are race issues and homosexuality.  So, while I was off on a tangent about how Affirmative Action is complete horseshit, how unqualified minorities take advantage of the system, and that it is turning into a form of discrimination in itself, Corey stopped me and said, "There's your paper, Lish."  Not in those exact words, of course, if he'd said it like that, he wouldn't be the Corey that we revere, but he told me to look at what I was bitching about and turn it into a paper.  So that's what I'm doing.  Thanks, Corey!

Also, I think I'm getting pretty close to figuring out some of the things that have been troubling me.  It's pretty low-drama, but some of the thoughts that have come to me have the potential to be incendiary if taken the wrong way or without an open mind.  So I don't think I'll be sharing them over the phone or IM to people who might take my thoughts out of context and take offense to them.  Who are these people, you ask?  Well, if you ask me over the phone or IM and I don't tell you, then you've either caught me at a bad time, or you might be one of them.  If that is the case, you'll have to see me to hear me.

But, according to Joey, he doesn't think he's ever seen me not gorgeous.  So based on that alone, I don't think it would be such a hardship to see me.  But I guess that depends.  Not everyone can handle a stunning, brilliant woman like myself.  I may be a challenge, but if you're up for it, I'm pretty sure that I'm worth it.

On the bright side, I got a 97% on my Intro to Comparative Religions midterm exam and an 81% on my American Identity in the World midterm paper. 

I looked pretty good today, too, probably because I actually got some sleep last night.  Well, who really cares why?  I'm wearing a size six now, I look damn good in a tank top and capris, and I caught some rather attractive young men checking me out as I walked across the Oval this afternoon.  One guy actually missed a frisbee shot because he was staring at me!  So, of course, I had to smile at him while he got ribbed by his friends.

Also, we were running tech blood for normal ranges tonight, and since I'd eaten Pizza combos and drank a Coke shortly before I went to work, my almost-fasting cholesterol was 123 and my triglycerides were only 44!

Yay for being brilliant, healthy, and beautiful!

[	mood	|	drained	]
[	music	|	At The Stars - Better Than Ezra	]

So many things going on!  I have an apartment to pack up, papers to write, exams to study for, and sanity to keep.  All-in-all, I'm busy as hell right now.  To help myself out, I'm trying to make time to do things that will assist in the sanity-keeping, but there don't seem to be enough hours in a day.  I keep telling myself that it will be okay.

On top of this frenetic pace I'm trying to keep, I've had a ton of things running through my head lately, often so quickly that I can't discern what they are.  I've managed to identify the topics of a few of them, though.  Some are about my direction in life. (I'm generally happy with it, but there are some things that are bothering me.)  Some of are about school. (I need to figure out exactly what I need to take.  So I need to talk to a major advisor.  So I have to have the time to do it.  Rrrr.)  Some are about work. (We're adding two new machines to our chemistry line, which requires ripping out more than half of the old line and rebuilding it.  Of course, while it's down, we'll be running everything manually.  It's going to be an unholy mess.)  And, yes, some are about Jesse. (They're not what you think, though.  They're not about Jesse and I, they're just about Jesse.  Don't worry, Jess, no drama.)

Hopefully, I can distill this myriad of crap into something resembling coherent thoughts.  When, or if, I do, I'll  be sure to let any interested parties know.

Anyway, if you talk to me in the next couple of weeks and I seem like my head is no longer attached to my shoulders - that's probably why.

So this has been a relatively busy couple of days.  I was off on Thursday, which was nice, since it was beautiful out!  I got a little sun while sitting on the Oval between classes in the afternoon.  Maybe if I can do that a little more, I will look more like myself and less like the slightly frazzled, overworked pale-from-always-being-inside-a-classroom-or-hospital person I've looked like for the past couple of summers.  I also had dinner with Jesse, which went pretty well.  It was nice to see him.  It had been a while, and since last Sunday's aftermath was so unpleasant, it was a little reassuring that Thursday went so well.  Then I saw Candice for a little while, and we ended up getting sushi at Ba Sho later that evening.  Good fun!

But then I had to work Friday, Saturday, and Sunday, which sucked.  It wasn't as bad as it could have been, but it sucked all the same because it was so nice outside and so...hospital...inside.  It will be okay though, because now the weekend's over, and I have tomorrow off.  I guess I was sort of glad to be working today, at least, because it took my mind off of Mother's Day a little.  I weathered this year's holiday much, much better than last year's.  I still think about Eli frequently, don't get me wrong, but I feel less like his mother than...something else.  I don't know what exactly.  There are some days when I really wish that I could see him or hold him, but they are rather few and far between anymore.  The decision that Joey and I made was the right one.  I'm content with the occasional glimpses into his life that I get from his parents' letters and photos.  I love seeing how happy he is.  That was always the most important thing to Joey and I, that we did right by him and that he is happy.  We did, and he is, and that's all that matters.

Happy Mother's Day

"Of shoes - and ships - and sealing wax - 

Of cabbages - and kings - 

And why the sea is boiling hot -

And whether Jess has wings." 

So, today was even better than yesterday!  Can you feel the intensity of my sarcasm?  I talked to Jesse for about a half hour this afternoon, not for very long, but long enough for him to nearly destroy what's left of my trust in him.  I asked him what he did last night after he cancelled on me, and he told me that he worked on a project that he has to finish by Wednesday, and then watched a movie.  I asked him if he watched it alone, and he said that he did.  Earlier, I had read Theresa's LiveJournal (very educational) and learned that he had been with her yesterday evening.  So I asked him again if he'd been alone.  He told me that he felt like I was interrogating him, and I asked if it felt that way because he wasn't telling the truth.  He said that it felt like an interrogation because I "obviously" didn't trust him.  Then I explained how important honesty is to me in relationships and friendships and told him that I wanted to trust him, but I didn't feel that he was being straight with me.  He said, "theresa was at my house till my meeting yesterday. i took her back home and than went to my meeting. i felt like crap all day and so i wasn't feeling very sociable. i didn't really want to go to my meeting - but i have to have it ready by tomorrow. when i got home i messaged you, worked on my project, watched showgirls and played some of my new video game."  At this point, I got really upset.  I'd hazard to say that I was more upset by that than I was when he left me.  I had given him a couple of chances to tell me the truth, and he didn't.  So I called him and asked him again.  He told me that this is exactly the kind of drama that he wants no part of, so I told him that this particular 'drama' could have easily been avoided had he been honest with me.  Again, he said that he was.  So I told him that I knew that he was lying to me, and told him how I knew he was lying to me.  He apologized for lying, but didn't give me any reason why he did it.

Most of you will call me foolish for doing this, but despite my hurt and anger, I want to give him another chance to be straight with me and be my friend.  I would really like for us to be friends, as I've said numerous times before.  There seems to be a double standard, though.  I'm expected to tell him everything that I'm thinking, but it's okay for him to keep things from me, and even to lie to me about them.  That's not okay with me.  But it makes me wonder how honest he's being with Theresa.  That troubles me, because one of the things that he told me was keeping her from taking him back was that she wanted to make sure that he was trustworthy.  I mean, I know that since I'm the dreaded ex and Theresa is the one who he's bending over backward trying to convince to take him back, certain courtesies may be extended to her that aren't to me, but all the same.  That's something to think about.

So, I was supposed to see Jesse for dinner tonight, but he cancelled on me.  Except he didn't call me, like I'd asked, he left me an IM saying, "hey Alicia, i'm not going to be able to hang out tonight. i need to get some stuff taken care of."  Obviously, this irritated me.  I had kept the evening free because he'd told me that he wanted to see me.  He refused to give me a ballpark time for when he'd be supposedly be calling today, when I asked for one, he told me to 'stop pushing' him, but he told me he had a two-hour meeting starting at 4:30.  He got out at 6:30, as planned, but didn't even send me the IM until 7:50, and since I wasn't sitting at my computer, I didn't see it until 8:30.  When I called to talk to him about it, I had some questions for him that he didn't seem to want to answer.  Well, he ended up hanging up on me, and I suspect, turning off his phone, since he didn't pick up when I called him back.  Needless to say, I am pretty angry.

Jesse, I know you read my journal, and I know you were upset last week when you felt you were being portrayed negatively.  I'm sorry that this entry will offend you when you read it, but there's no way to put even a remotely positive spin on what you did tonight.  I need to know if you truly do want to be my friend, as you say you do, because I'm not seeing it.  I don't like thinking that you might not be the person I thought you were.  Show me that you are.

Maybe it wasn't the best idea I've ever had, but I decided to stay up to watch Reality Bites tonight.  I had been thinking about that movie for about a week, since I heard "Add it Up" by the Violent Femmes on the radio.  (For those of you unfamiliar with the movie, it's the song that Troy sang to Lelaina onstage at the club.  It's a wee bit vulgar, too.)  I haven't seen this movie in years.  It came out in 1994, and I had a big crush on Ethan Hawke at the time.  I don't think my mother let me go see it in the theater, but I'm sure I must have seen it shortly after it was released on video, and that's nearly ten years ago!  Geez.  Anyway, I'd been thinking about renting it, but there it was on tv tonight, so I figured, why not?  I don't have a class tomorrow, so I can afford to stay up and watch a movie, plus it will save me the $4.00 at Blockbuster.

It really got me thinking.  The characters in the movie had just graduated from college and were trying to find their way in the real world.  And they figured out that it sucks.  There's more to it, of course, but that's the five-second movie plot.  As I was watching it, I realized that the characters, who had seemed so unreal and older when I saw it ten years ago, were twenty-three years old.  It took a while for it to hit me - they weren't older than I am anymore, they were the same age as my friends and I are now.  It was an interesting revelation.  Their crises and situations, which had seemed so far-fetched and unrealistic ten years ago, aren't so far-fetched now, things like paying bills, finding jobs, dealing with relationships and friendships as adults, and finding out who you really are.  It was interesting to compare the remnants of my mid-teenage perspective of the movie with my present perspective.  The thing that really stuck with me, however, was something Troy said to Lelaina toward the end of the movie.  For this alone, I wish I'd seen the movie again before now.  She was frustrated with herself and the way her life was going, and she said that she'd always wanted to be something by the time she was twenty-three.  Troy said to her,

"Honey, all you have to be by the time you're twenty-three is yourself."

And he was right.

The midterm went alright today.  I may have mixed up the literal meaning of the Bhagavad Gita, but some things have to give.  Test anxiety is a killer.  I'm pretty cool with most things, but exams tend to shake me up a bit.  All the same, I'm sure I did well enough.

Meghan was talking to her dad tonight about getting a limo for her wedding.  She's never been in a limo before, and it's always been her dream to have one on her wedding day.  The only problem was the cost, and her dad didn't seem willing to help her out.  What he said was, "Well, you can't have everything you want".  While that is true, it's not fair.  So Sandy and I put our heads together.  We talked to some our friends at work, and we all decided to chip in so that Megs can have a limo for her wedding.  Her dad called her back later, and it sounds like he might want to help her out with that, but if he doesn't, our offer is still on the table.  We love you, Meggie!

SO TIRED!  I swear, Sandy, Megs, and I may be rocking the lab, but every once in a while, it pushes back!  I was on the LX Chemistry analyzer tonight, affectionately known as the Hell-X.  Cute, no?  We have nicknames for most of our analyzers.  Our Diagnostica Stago STA-R Coagulation analyzer is known as "Satan in a box", and I've been known to refer to working on the Coulter LH Hematology analyzer as "Riding the Beast", even though it's my favorite.  Anyway, Chemistry usually kicks my ass a little harder than the rest of the machines, but with my partner-in-crime, Ricky, we managed to whip it into shape.  But I'm really tired.

I talked to Jesse for a little while this afternoon, before he got busy and I had to get ready for work.  I guess we've had a bit of a misunderstanding without my realizing it - honestly, the things I've been saying in my journal aren't intended to slam on anybody. (Those of you who know me well know that if I mean to slam on somebody, I won't pull my punches.  It won't be subtle or hinted at, it will be crystal clear.)  I apologized for the crossed wires, since I truly didn't mean to offend him.  So I hope he's not mad at me anymore.  I'd really like for us to be friends.

On an annoying note, I have a midterm tomorrow at 12:30.  So I'm going to study my ass off for a while before I have to go to sleep.  I'm going to go see Mom tomorrow morning, so I've got to get up early.  I wish I didn't have to try to balance work with school with friends with family.  There's never enough time for everything I'd like to do.  *sigh*  I told Stephanie tonight that I agreed with Jesse's sentiment that it would be nice to wake up and be thirty, with all of this stuff in the past.  She smiled at me and said, "Okay, Jennifer Garner." (It took me a moment or two to get the Thirteen Going on Thirty reference, but eventually it clicked.)

Anyway, I'm tired. 

So tonight at work, Sandy and I decided that we should check her platelet count, since she's been bruising lately.  So I decided to check my hemoglobin, since I've been a wee bit tired lately.  Since it was normal, I'm going to guess that I've been tired because I haven't been getting much sleep these last couple of days.  Her blood draw went perfectly, of course, since I drew her.  But then when I drew myself, I kind of messed up a bit.  After I put the needle in my arm, I checked the blood flow to make sure the needle was in my vein unobstructed, and realized that my blood hadn't stopped flowing the way it usually does - it stops about one inch into the tubing, and you need the vacuum from the tubes or a syringe to draw it out.  Mine had kept running...and it was making a big puddle on the countertop!  I hadn't checked to make sure the tubing was secured to the tube adapter!  Oops!  So Sandy and I stared at it for a second before reconnecting the tubing to the adapter.  She came to me later and said, "Lishy, we could have pretended to be British while we were drawing you earlier, because it was a bloody mess!"  We were amused by that event for a while.

Also, Megs told me that Josh was hanging out with Jeremy tonight, and he'd see what was up with him.  He said he was interested in me at Megs' cookout on Saturday, and he seemed like a really nice guy, but as I've learned, not every seemingly 'nice' guy really is one.  Megs and Josh have known him since high school, and they assure me that he's one of the best guys they know.  Maybe Jeremy will be worth my time to get to know.

Also, I had an interesting talk with an old friend of Jesse's the other day.  She seemed like a pretty honest person, and I wish I'd talked to her three months ago instead of three days ago.  She gave me some insight into the 'inner workings' of relationships with Jesse.  Fascinating stuff.  She also told me not to stop coming to SCA events just because of him, and not to judge the rest of the SCA by him.  I'm not so sure about that, but we may have to see what happens there.